No Anesthesia
by chancetofly24
Summary: Extension of the Addek scenes in Thanks for the Memories. Addison POV. Please read & review!


Addison sighed as she looked out over the water speeding towards her, the skyline bright and shimmering behind it. Her flaming red hair whipped against her face in the breeze coming off of the water as she felt the warm body next to her shift and move away. She turned around to see Derek leaning against the railing opposite hers, looking down at the coffee cup in his hands.

She leaned against her railing, brushing her hair back with a gloved hand, and watched him as he stood there. When had it come to this? How had their marriage disintegrated so horribly that he could hardly stand next to her for more than a few minutes at a time? In New York, they had taken the ferry out to see the Statue of Liberty once, just to see the mammoth statue rising above their heads, powerful enough to humble even the best surgeons. On the way over, Derek hadn't been able to keep his hands off of her – standing behind her and whispering into her ear, pulling back her hair and kissing her neck. She smiled to herself at the thought of his arms wrapped around her – the strong, solid arms she hadn't felt wrapped around her in… well, in so long that she couldn't remember.

Taking a breath, she resisted the voices screaming in her head and opened her mouth. "So, um…" she trailed off, trying to find the right words. She crossed the small space between them and leaned on the green railing next to Derek, her arm brushing his before he shifted away from her again. If she didn't know him like the back of her hand, she would think that he was just anxious, for the holidays and for the morning ahead of him. But she knew it wasn't that. Even though they'd been trying, he hadn't shown her, or even told her, anything except how much she angered him and had betrayed him. They had been civil, but nothing more – no hugs, no caresses, no saying 'I love you'. Watching him move nervously in front of her, she decided to just get it over with. She'd never been one to beat around the bush, anyways. "I was thinking that… we could have sex tonight."

Her hope was quickly shattered by Derek's response – an awkward chuckle that betrayed his feelings more than he had wanted. "Uh, yeah," he spat out sarcastically before taking a sip of his coffee. Addison chuckled in response, ducking her head to shield her disappointment.

"Look, I know we're both gonna feel weird about it," she said, not letting Derek's reaction affect what she wanted and needed to say. "It's the first time…"

"Since Mark," he interjected, moving once again to the opposite railing.

Mark. The whole reason why all of this was happening in the first place. Nothing with him had ever been intentional – at least not at first. She had tried so hard to be the person he wanted her to, to leave him alone when he asked and be loving when he wanted. But she couldn't do it. She was his wife, and she was sick of putting her feelings aside to deal with Derek's.

One night, everything just crumbled. Derek was out late, _again_, at the hospital for another surgery. She called Mark crying, and he knew something was wrong. Addison Shepherd didn't cry. She was too proud and too strong and too independent to cry over anything, but Derek wasn't just anything. Ever since she met him, he was the only one in her life who could make her cry, make her feel things no one else made her feel. She hated him for that.

She hadn't planned on anything happening. Looking back, she chided herself at being so stupid to think that Mark was just helping as a friend, when in reality, it was a perfect opportunity for him. She had gone through the night, the sex, the _everything_, in a blur. Being with Mark felt so awkward, so unfitting. Their bodies didn't mold together like hers did to Derek's. He didn't know the places she liked to be touched; he didn't know that kissing behind her ear was all the convincing she needed, even if she wasn't "in the mood."

But as she was under him, feeling him move above her, she realized how nice it felt to be loved again, to be wanted. Derek was always gone – when she woke up, when she had dinner, when she went to bed. She was sick of being alone, and Mark was there for her. So she let him touch her, kiss her, caress her, acting out in a way she had never done before, desperate to feel a connection to someone, thinking how right this could be.

Until Derek walked in.

Seeing them together, his two best friends, in his bed, his house. Together.

The look on his face is one she'll never forget – one of shock and anger mixed with a sense that he knew it was coming all along. An understanding that somewhere, deep down inside of him, he knew that one day, he would be walking into that scene. But it didn't make it hurt any less, for either of them.

As soon as he walked in and back out again, slamming the door in a silent rage, she broke down. In that moment, she realized how broken they were, and how much she had just deepened the gap between them – possibly forever. She had called him, looked for him in all of their special spots around the city, but she hadn't found him. So she gave up – until Richard called, requesting a consult in Seattle, and casually mentioning that Derek was there too.

He failed to mention that her husband was screwing an intern.

"And Meredith." She sees Derek sigh, almost imperceptibly, leaning against the railing and looking out at the rising sun. Moving across to stand next to him, her arm brushes against his chest and she shivers, but leans closer, forcing him to look at her. "I have the day off. Do you have the day off?"

"I need to stop by the hospital. I have patients I need to check on. You have the day off… what are you doing here?"

Addison shrugged, not wanting to say that the real reason she got up at 5 AM on Thanksgiving was just so she could spend a few minutes with her husband, trying to convince him to have sex with her – something she used to just have to mention casually and their clothes were on the floor in seconds. "Was thinking we could have sex tonight."

Derek turned away slightly, hiding the terror written across his face at the thought of having to have sex with her, knowing that the whole time he would be comparing himself to Mark, something he never thought he would have to do, and comparing her to Meredith, something he couldn't help but do.

"Come on," she pleaded with him. "I made a reservation at noon. I figured we could do the Thanksgiving thing, you know, and then…" she trailed off and lifted her shoulders before letting them fall again. "I dunno, just rip the stitches. Get it over with."

"No anesthesia," he said, turning to look her straight in the eye, making her heart jump slightly. Those eyes, the ones that could see her soul and through every lie and secret she had. The ones that she once thought of as a mirror image of her own, but now thought of them as something different – a filter through which she saw herself and all the things she had done with a disdain she had constantly tried to shrug off. The eyes that now were tinged blue, not with compassion or calmness, but with cold. Contempt.

"Right," she replied, seeing Derek sway back and forth, his nervous actions calming her slightly, knowing that she wasn't the only one as anxious about this. "What do you think?" she asked, tilting her head to look at him as his eyes scanned the shoreline.

Holding her breath, she waited anxiously for his response. By not signing the divorce papers, she knew that he had agreed for whatever reason to give their marriage another chance, but it didn't feel like it. It felt like they were back in New York – Derek spending just enough time with her to get by, nothing more and nothing less.

She knew she hadn't been much of a help in the situation, either. Even though her heart broke when Derek walked into the bedroom that night to find her under the covers with another man, it was a small comfort to know that he was just as pained as she had been about their relationship. He finally knew what it felt like to be betrayed, to love someone so much and then have it all come crashing down around him. But in doing so, it isolated them even further. And that's why she was such a bitch to him when she came to Seattle – not because she wanted to continue to make him feel bad, but because she didn't know how to get back to a place where they could talk about it without screaming at each other.

But that day in the NICU when he had agreed to operate on the baby if she was stronger in the morning, her heart softened finally, and she was able to show him how she truly felt. Surely he was surprised by the kiss, but he didn't pull back like she had expected him to. He hadn't exactly kissed her back either, but the way she felt his pulse race when she ran her tongue along the bottom lip she had captured between her own was enough of a confirmation for her that he still had feelings for her.

Apparently, however, those feelings weren't strong enough to contradict the ones he had for Meredith, or strong enough to make him actually want to love her the way he used to.

"Reservations at noon?" he asked, breaking her out of her thoughts. She nodded, pulling her hair back from her face and staring up into his as he thought. "Okay. Where?"

She smiled to herself, telling him the address of the one park in Seattle she had found that had viewfinders, her favorite. He nodded again and they stood next to each other for the rest of the ferryboat ride, drinking their coffee and looking out at the water and glistening buildings. When they docked, they parted ways and Addison began to head towards downtown, but not before Derek pulled her to face him, tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, and adjusted the brim of her cap. "Noon."

"Noon," she agreed, smiling at his gesture and kissing him lightly on the cheek before turning around and disappearing into the crowd.

Addison spent the morning walking around downtown Seattle, window-shopping and picking up supplies for her lunch with Derek. Neither of them had bothered to learn to cook very well – being at the hospital all day either wore them out enough to not be hungry at home after eating hospital food all day, or they just went out to eat – with the exception of a few romantic dinners Derek had made her when they were dating and in the early years of their marriage.

Knowing that a light lunch would probably be best, Addison stopped into a deli and bought two turkey sandwiches, two small bags of chips, and a dill pickle for Derek. Not exactly the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, but they weren't exactly traditional. It had been years since they'd had a proper holiday meal, since they stopped going to Derek's parents' house for Christmas. They hadn't bothered to make anything fancy; Addison could remember Easters and Christmases where she'd had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the hospital as her celebratory meal. And of course, as the years went by, even eating nightly dinners lost its priority when they either didn't have time or couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other.

Sighing, Addison paid for her food and stopped in the store next door, picking out a nice bottle of wine and two glasses before heading down the block to a store she had saw earlier with baskets hanging in the windows. She browsed the store and chose a round basket, taking it outside with her to a bench in a park across the street. She pulled everything out of its bags and arranged them neatly inside the basket, covering the top with a cloth. Smiling to herself at the thought of a long-overdue picnic lunch with Derek (and what was to come after), she discarded the plastic bags in a trash bin and made her way back through the city to the spot she told Derek to meet her.

She was a few minutes early and she waited patiently, walking the length of the deck and looking out over the water. Getting restless, she sat back down on the bench with the basket at her feet and pulled her cell phone out of her purse, checking the time. 12:17. Derek was late.

Pushing all thoughts of him forgetting her out of her head, she tried to reason with herself. Maybe there was an emergency surgery and it ran over. But if that was the case, why didn't he call her? Or maybe, he thought she had said twelve thirty. But that didn't make sense either, because he had repeated the time back to her.

Addison leaned against the bench, feeling the cold metal press into the back of her neck as she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying not to cry. She had thought Derek wanted this as much as she did, to try to work things out. He had agreed to come and she had foolishly believed him. But after eleven years of marriage, she should have known better. Chances were he was with Meredith Grey, talking or laughing or worse.

She looked down at her cell phone again – 12:43. Derek was definitely late, and he hadn't just forgotten. Feeling defeated, she flipped open her phone and dialed his number, pressing it closely to her ear.

"…This is Derek Shepherd, I'm not available to take your call right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks. _Beep._"

"Derek, it's me," she started, trying to make her voice sound even and calm but failing miserably. "Where are you?"

Addison stayed on the bench for twenty more minutes, hoping he would call her back, but he never did. Finally realizing he wasn't coming, she took the ferry back to their trailer, not wanting to appear pathetic enough to eat part of a dinner by herself, no matter how hungry she was.

She unlocked the trailer, hoping to find Derek inside, ready and waiting to apologize with a logical excuse, but the only thing that greeted her was silence. She walked in by herself, setting the basket on the counter and reaching down to pull off her heels. She tossed the left one to the side and unbuckled the right one, pulling it off in her hand before throwing it at the nearest wall.

"Damn it!" she yelled, slumping against the counter and sliding to the floor, letting the pent-up tears flow. "I can't do this anymore, Derek!" She pounded her fist on the carpet next to her, knocking her head back against the wall. She couldn't take this… this constant pretending from Derek that everything was going okay, when in actuality, everything was falling apart.

She had come to Seattle fully expecting to leave in about two weeks, after her case with the twins was done. She came to see Derek and after seeing the state of things, to give him the divorce papers and be on her way. Part of her hoped that he would take her back, but she didn't expect him to, not after disappearing for six months. So when he came to her that night after the horrendous train wreck, after losing a patient that had been attached to a stranger by a pole, the determined look in his eyes caught her off guard. He had handed her the divorce papers and her insides crumbled until she flipped to the last page to find it completely blank, the hot pink tabs pointing into oblivion. He hadn't signed.

Addison was shocked to say the least, but incredibly hopeful that the chance to start over she had been looking for was finally here. She hadn't wanted to start over without Derek, but she would have if she had to. Handing her those blank papers was like handing her her heart back – she was sure that if she had paid more attention, she could have felt it swell once again in her chest, the blood pumping more thoroughly through it now.

But it was false hope. Even though they were together, she knew his mind was always on one thing: Meredith. She had suspected that he was never over her, and it was only confirmed one night when he mumbled her name in his sleep. Addison had squeezed her eyes shut and turned over, choosing to pretend like she hadn't heard her husband whisper the name of another woman.

Yet she still tried, thinking that the more effort she put into making their marriage work, the more impressed Derek would be and the more he would feel compassion and forgiveness for her. Obviously, her plan had failed.

She hit her head against the wall again and shoved a palm into her eye, attempting to stop the flow of tears, which was a futile try because the tears just fell even harder, like water from a dam that had broken. She pushed herself off of the floor and stood up, not wanting Derek to walk in and see her crumpled on the floor. She moved to the bedroom, pulling her clothes off as she went, and rummaging in the tiny closet for something to wear. Finding a sweater and lounge pants, she tugged them on and crawled onto the bed, snuggling under the covers and crying until her eyes were raw and she was exhausted.

Addison woke up to the sound of raindrops falling on the roof of the trailer, making soft plinking sounds as they hit the metal. She moved onto her back, sighing and stretching slightly as she looked up at the ceiling. Her stomach grumbled and she sat up, realizing she hadn't eaten since breakfast. It was one of the things Derek used to constantly chide her about – she would get busy and forget to eat, like most surgeons would, but she knew it wasn't good for her, and Derek would take her out to lunch at the hospital any time he could so he knew she was eating. It was his way of looking out for her. She rolled her eyes at that thought and got up, walking the short distance to the kitchen.

The basket was still on the kitchen counter and although she didn't want to disturb it, she was hungry and wasn't in the mood to make something. She pulled one of the sandwiches from under the cloth and set it on the table along with one of the cloth napkins she had packed. She got a beer from the fridge and flopped into the booth that served as their kitchen table. She ate the sandwich quickly, not focusing on what she had originally got it for or the thoughts that were swirling around in her head.

When she was finished, she put the empty beer bottle in the sink and turned to walk away when she suddenly felt very faint. She gripped the sides of the counter and inhaled deeply, trying to calm the feeling of nausea that was washing over her. As a doctor, she knew all too well all the different ways stress could appear in physical form and affect your body. Taking a few more deep breaths, she finally straightened and decided to go outside for a little fresh air, thinking that it would help her feel better. She sat on the porch, looking out into the darkness that surrounded her, just thinking.

And that's how Derek found her when he pulled up, his headlights shining on her like a spotlight.

She saw him get out and shut the door, the rain already drenching his hair and running down in jackets in tiny rivers. This was it. They needed to talk. This dance they were doing around each other had to end; it was time to face it.

"You didn't show," she tried, waiting for an explanation, but just getting a small nod of his head before he leaned on the trailer next to her. "I waited." He didn't say anything again, and she let out a small breath.

"Derek, are you done?" He looked up at her then and, seeing this has caught his attention, she plunged forward. "Hurting me back? I mean, cause, I need to know. Because if not, I…" she took a deep breath, trying to force the tears back and make her voice sound steadier, betraying the acid of emotions she was really feeling. "I gotta special order a thicker skin… or something." She looked down, playing with the wedding bands on her left hand. She felt a weight next to her and glanced over to find Derek sitting there next to her on the porch, his hair slicked back and dripping wet. His eyes were staring into hers intensely, the cold replaced by a deep sorrow and regret.

"No anesthesia this time," he said softly. She felt a smile tug at the corners of her lips as he leaned in towards her, a small smile on his face as well. "Here we go."

Their lips met in a tentative kiss – soft and gentle, but unsure. Unsure of what was to come and unsure of what this really meant. Derek snaked his arm around Addison's shoulder and pulled her closer to him, resting his other hand on the porch of the trailer. She hesitated at first, but didn't resist when the kissing grew more passionate and she felt Derek's tongue slipping between her lips, caressing and re-exploring her mouth.

She shuddered slightly; she didn't know if it was the pouring rain or the contact, but she broke away to catch her breath, resting her forehead against his.

"Derek, I –"

"Addie," he cut her off, touching the side of her face with his smooth surgeon's hands. "It's okay. You don't need to say anything. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should have been here, I should have… And I promise I'll work on this." Addison let her breath out and started to roll her eyes but was caught by Derek's hand on her thigh. "I mean it, Addie. I lost you once, and I don't want to lose you again… Going through hell once is more than enough."

Addison's eyes filled with tears at hearing Derek actually admit he was wrong – the ego jokes about surgeons were definitely true in his case, and she could only think of a few other times during their marriage when he had apologized, and only once that it had been so sincere. She tilted her head and smiled slightly before leaning in and brushing her lips against his, planning to pull back until she felt Derek's hands tangle in her hair, pressing her to him and engulfing her senses with their combined tastes.

Things quickly escalated as they peeled off each others' jackets and flung them aside, Addison's tangled in a chair and Derek's lying on the sopping wet ground. He quickly pulled her sweater over her head, revealing the red lacy bra she had on underneath. He inhaled sharply – sure, he had seen her in lingerie before, and certainly he had in the past couple of weeks living in the trailer, but he hadn't appreciated it like he did now; it was like seeing her in a different light. He leaned forward and kissed down her neck, leaving a wet kiss in the hollow of her throat and continued down.

She was breathing heavily underneath him as he slowly slid the straps of her bra down her shoulders, kissing the path they made. He unhooked her bra and removed it completely, feeling her shudder as the cool air hit her. He braced a hand behind her back and leaned her backwards a little, dipping his head down to her chest as he did so. She gasped audibly and he looked up to see the rain from the edge of the trailer spilling over and cascading down her face and shoulders, dripping water down her body as Derek kissed and sucked.

Addison gripped Derek's shoulders and pulled herself back up, coming face-to-face with him before kissing him fully and passionately, her tongue snaking into his mouth and causing him to moan into hers. She hooked her fingers underneath his shirt and tugged, removing it with only a little difficulty at the wetness of it and how it clung to his skin. He kissed her again before getting to his feet, offering down a hand and pulling her up with him. They stood together, bare flesh against bare flesh, shivering and kissing in the dark night, grateful to just be in each others arms.

Finally, Derek broke away and searched her eyes. "Are you ready, Addie? I mean, because if not –"

"Are you kidding me? Let a hot-shot neurosurgeon like you get away! Don't even think about it." She winked at him, enjoying his attention to her and kissed him again before he pulled away again.

"Bedroom?"

She nodded and he led the way, barely making it into the trailer before they had their hands and lips all over each other again. With Addison gently sucking on his earlobe and his fingers dipping lower and lower into the waistband of her lounge pants, it was a surprise they even made it to the bed. But they did, and here was Derek, pulling Addison's pants and thong down before he kneeled in front of her, teasing her with his tongue as he held her hips still while she writhed beneath him.

"Derek… Derek, I –" She exhaled, moaning and gasping for breath. Hearing her moans, he just smiled and continued, replacing his tongue with his fingers, curling them into her as if he'd never touched her before. He had barely set a motion before she was crying out, warmth spreading over his hand. He looked into her darkened eyes as he licked each finger in turn before crawling up to her, her legs spreading naturally to let his body fit against hers.

She reached down, feeling for him in the space between them, but he pulled away, just out of her grasp. She began to protest but he silenced her with a kiss, stroking her hipbone with one hand, the other braced next to her fiery red hair. "No," he whispered, moving to the side when she tried to reach for him again. She started to get a pouting look on her face, wondering why he wouldn't want to be pleasured in return. "This is about you, Addie. You deserve this. Tonight is your night."

With that, she smiled and ran her hands up his back, tracing his spine with her fingertips. She felt him shiver and she continued up to his hair, tangling her fingers in his dark, wavy locks and pulling him down for a kiss. As he kissed her, Derek let his free hand travel – roaming along her flat stomach, over the swell of her chest, and back up to her wet hair. The kiss grew passionate once again as their tongues dueled together and without warning, Derek quickly shifted himself and slipped inside of her.

Addison gasped, sucking the air from his lungs back into hers, and broke the kiss, looking at him with surprise and arousal. He had a devilish grin on his face as he hovered above her, motionless, letting them get accustomed to the long-absent feeling of him filling her. She finally nodded slightly and he began moving, setting an easy, slow rhythm. This wasn't a night for rushed, frantic sex; it was a time to take it slow and reconnect on a level that they hadn't reached in so long.

As Derek moved above her, Addison made it her mission to trace every inch of his body with her fingertips, looking for new marks or flaws that hadn't been there before, but she didn't feel any. He was still hers, the same old Derek Shepherd.

He quickened his pace as he heard Addison moan and he could feel himself getting closer to the edge. Her hips rose and fell to meet his as they both got closer. They suddenly locked eyes and stared at each other until they couldn't stand it anymore – Derek buried his head in the damp hair pooled by her shoulder, and she dug her fingernails into his back, arching up and into him as he released into her with one final thrust. He collapsed on top of her and rolled to the side, pulling her to his chest as they tried to catch their breath.

"That was…"

"Amazing," Addison finished, reaching up to kiss him. He kissed her back and then leaned back, placing a kiss on her forehead before resting back on the un-made bed from Addison's nap, pulling her with him. She snuggled against his side, her fingers tracing circles on his stomach as his hands slid repeatedly through her still tangled hair.

They laid there in silence, listening to each others heartbeats and breathing rhythms until Addison spoke up. "Hey, Derek?"

"Yeah?" he replied, his voice rumbling against her ear.

"Thank you. I… I love you," she said quietly. Derek could feel her tense against his side, waiting to see if he said it back – the first time since Mark and the first real time in God knows how long – and his reaction. He smiled to himself at her anxiousness and rubbed her back carefully, trying to relieve some stress.

"I love you, too, Addie," he said, feeling her relax against him and sigh happily. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and continued rubbing her back until they both fell asleep in each others arms, content just as they were.


End file.
